It’s difficult for adults to talk to one another about
death. The topic makes us
uncomfortable. Despite this fact, most
of us will muster up the courage and have these hard conversations when the
need arises. There is something,
however, far more difficult than talking to our peers about death and that is
talking to children about death.
Parents will have
memories of questions kids have posed about death when a pet has died or bird
is found deceased outdoors. These
awkward moments force us as adults to simplify a complex concept on the fly,
and usually unprepared, at best we stumble our way through.
What do we do when it’s not a pet; when the impending death
of a parent or grandparent looms?
That answer is as complex as the topic of death itself. There are some basic facts however, that help
guide us. One, we know that avoiding the
topic of death is harmful. Kids are very
observant, and usually have already encountered death on T.V. or have seen dead
insects. Though it may feel like we are
protecting children by not talking about it, research shows it creates much
more problems for the child.
It is also not a good idea to force information that may be
too complex on a child. The best
approach is a balance between avoidance and confrontation. The goal is to be honest, sensitive, and
approachable.
Another mistake adults often make is to use euphemisms when
talking to kids. Children are literal,
so when an adult says, “Your Grandma is in a better place now,” Kids literally
think Grandma might be at Disney World.
The phrase “he just went to sleep” is also very scary for a child to
hear. Children will become afraid of
sleeping themselves, assuming they too might never wake up.
It’s helpful to keep in mind that the developmental stage of
the child is important to understanding the concept of death. For instance, kids ages 2-4 don’t grasp the
permanence of death. Death is temporary
to them, and they will continue to expect the deceased to come back. This age group may react to death with
separation anxiety, withdrawing, regression or confusion.
Kids ages 4-7 often have magical thinking. This group will
often feel responsible for the death and may connect something completely
unrelated to it. For instance, a fight
at school gets linked to the reason they think their dad is dying. This group may appear unaffected and
unemotional after someone dies. Because
of the tendency to feel guilty for the death, this age group needs good
communication and openness.
Once kids are 7-10 they begin to realize death is not
reversible. This age group is very curious about death and may ask insensitive
questions. They can view death as a punishment and will often start worrying
that others around them may die, or that they themselves will die soon.
People often ask if children should visit someone who is
dying. The best advice is to leave the decision up to the child. If they are
interested, they should visit with thorough preparation on what they will see
when they arrive. They should be given
permission to leave at any time.
Finally, children should never be forced or made to feel guilty if they
don’t want to participate.
Even though death is
a difficult topic for adults, if we approach it the right way with kids, the
foundation for healing and understanding for a lifetime can be created.
*Photo is a screenshot from the movie "Is Anybody There?"
